I am a very open and honest person. I have learned not to lie, partly because I am freaking terrible at it, but mostly because one lie turns into 19 lies and the slippery slope continues as people talk to one another and you now have to stress out trying to remember the different things that you told different people and at what time. Screw. That.
I have also learned that I was born with no filter on my mouth. The only trouble I ever got into involved me and my big, fat mouth because things just spew out of them as fast as my brain thinks of them. I have put my foot in my mouth more times than I care to remember. In the past few years since college (and moving down South where I was forced to listen to people talk slower, move slower and driiiiive slower), I have become more conscious of the effects my words can have on people – good and bad. And, as God intended, this not-so-great characteristic of me created a quality that I am thankful each day that I acquired (with a lot of help from my mama): the ability to accept my actions and take responsibility for them.
I am reminded of how far I’ve come by one small slip backwards…
I have also learned that I was born with no filter on my mouth. The only trouble I ever got into involved me and my big, fat mouth because things just spew out of them as fast as my brain thinks of them. I have put my foot in my mouth more times than I care to remember. In the past few years since college (and moving down South where I was forced to listen to people talk slower, move slower and driiiiive slower), I have become more conscious of the effects my words can have on people – good and bad. And, as God intended, this not-so-great characteristic of me created a quality that I am thankful each day that I acquired (with a lot of help from my mama): the ability to accept my actions and take responsibility for them.
I am reminded of how far I’ve come by one small slip backwards…
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Trey and I are considering moving out of our townhome. We love the place and location but we hate, H. A. T. E., our laminate floors with a passion that burns so deep we lash out at one another while cleaning up every stray drop of drool, water, condensation, you name it. The floors are so fragile that the smallest drop of liquid seeps in and soaks into the flooring, creating ridges where it should be smooth. Maybe it is just not sealed properly, but by golly, this flooring is horrendous. Looks nice, but stresses us the hell out. So I started looking for rental places. Except, that’s not so easy when not only do you have two cats and a dog, but your dog is a pit bull. And not even just one pitbull, but a revolving door of foster pit bulls every month or two. As I look on Craigslist and find mostly scam, but some real ads, I send a routine, not-much-detail message to get a feel for what type of person owns the property. If a person responds in a normal manner, then I go ahead and send them my customized letter and put the ball in their court.
Here is my original email to a potential rental property:
Hello!
I am very interested in your posting on Craigslist for the rental property. When is it available? It sounds like just what my boyfriend and I are looking for. Also, do you have any type of pet restrictions? We look forward to hearing back from you!
Shana and Trey
Receiving 4 spam emails from West Africa and Nigeria for every 5 emails I send out, the following answer came with a bit of relief. I thought, There ARE real people on Craigslist!
Hello,
This home will be available approximately 3 weeks from the day we receive an approved application and deposit to hold. Pets are allowed, the only restrictions are dogs that are considered biters, i.e., Pitt Bulls, Rottweiler, German Sheppard, Chow, Doberman and a few others. Please call me for the complete list. If you would like to apply for this location please visit our website, print off an application and fax it over to me.
Thanks,
(Name omitted)
Asset Property Management Team
Now, it could very well have been the NC Amendment that I rallied against and voted against that, to my dismay, was passed yesterday, but I was in a bad mood when it came to prejudices. I read that email, and my heart burst out of my chest. Hot blood rose up my neck and I could feel my cheeks flush. My eyes squinted with adrenaline-filled resentment. Biters? Biters?! Not even the typical “restricted aggressive breeds” which I can attribute to a prey drive of small animals, but you just deemed my dog, my sweet Tucker, a senseless man-eater?! Oh, no you didn’t.
I needed to right this wrong. I needed to take a stand for myself and anyone else that she has emailed in her time at this company. I needed to write this woman and tell her in my favorite professional F.U. way that not only was I NOT renting from her, but I was going to tell my friends and family not to either. Maybe the thought of having a bad reputation would make her think twice about not only pinpointing specific type dogs in her email, but implying that they are “biters”. By perpetuating the stereotype for every single email that comes in her inbox, people that have no experience with those dogs, may choose to believe the words on their screen, simply because they are written there. The Mama Bear unfair bias that I felt for my previously neglected, starved, bred and abused, sweet dogs – Mama Kris, Cagney, Bindi, Cooper and Tucker – needed an outlet.
I needed to right this wrong. I needed to take a stand for myself and anyone else that she has emailed in her time at this company. I needed to write this woman and tell her in my favorite professional F.U. way that not only was I NOT renting from her, but I was going to tell my friends and family not to either. Maybe the thought of having a bad reputation would make her think twice about not only pinpointing specific type dogs in her email, but implying that they are “biters”. By perpetuating the stereotype for every single email that comes in her inbox, people that have no experience with those dogs, may choose to believe the words on their screen, simply because they are written there. The Mama Bear unfair bias that I felt for my previously neglected, starved, bred and abused, sweet dogs – Mama Kris, Cagney, Bindi, Cooper and Tucker – needed an outlet.
Alicia (name changed),
I am going to vehemently decline any listing of units that you have, as I would rather not rent from you and I will have my friends and colleagues steer clear from any company you associate with, as well. It is obvious that you have some unfair judgments made about specific types of dogs, as Chihuahuas and Dalmatians can be "biters" too, but I don't see them on your list. Please rephrase your pet policy to be a case-by-case basis, and meet each dog personally to decide if it is suitable to live in your unit, regardless of size or breed. I can only conclude that your bias against animals in this blatant way can be directly related to your prejudices among people, as well. I will be sure to save your name, and not for the reason you'd hoped for.
I didn’t feel any better about it (hello, red flag!) but smiled to myself as I pressed the Send button. Take that! This obviously and completely ignorant, bias, uneducated woman was getting a piece of my mind and I loved it. People like this need to have a little piece of reality once in a while, I told myself. I copy and pasted it immediately in the rescue foster parent board and got great responses:
“Great job!”
“Good response!”
“You rock, Shana!”
I've had some really great emails along these lines and some really great responses from the receiving end as well as virtual pats on the back from my foster friends. But this one was different.
Because then I got the response that dropped my stomach through my feet. I am not doctoring this for the sake of myself, because what she wrote is honest and true. Just like the way I’ve always been and sometimes,
“Great job!”
“Good response!”
“You rock, Shana!”
I've had some really great emails along these lines and some really great responses from the receiving end as well as virtual pats on the back from my foster friends. But this one was different.
Because then I got the response that dropped my stomach through my feet. I am not doctoring this for the sake of myself, because what she wrote is honest and true. Just like the way I’ve always been and sometimes,
the people that are
the most brutally honest
need a dose of it themselves.
the most brutally honest
need a dose of it themselves.
Shana, I understand your concern for animals, however this is not a rule nor policy that I have personally implemented. It is a requirement of our Insurance provider. If you feel you must rant your concerns and stereotype someone as being prejudice, please make sure that you are certain of ALL THE FACTS before you begin your judgment against anyone.
As I sit there, staring at my phone screen and rereading the email for a second, and then third time, my phone alerts me to another message.
On a further note, my house recently burnt down… I lost everything I owned, including a dog and two cats that I loved as if they were my very own children. I hope that you do not present yourself to people this way in the future because you have upset me and caused extreme pain that I have been trying to cope with, only to be revealed again.
I only hope for that in the future, you will be careful of what you say to people, until you have walked in their shoes, you have no idea what they have been through. Thanks again for allowing me to re-visit the most painful time of my life.
Ouch.
Like really-truly-I’ll-remember-this-forever ouch.
I didn’t even know where to begin, but I knew that I had broken the one rule that I made to myself a few years ago that has made me a better person: No matter what I’m going through, the battles that the other person is facing are probably a hell of a lot worse than mine. So always give kind words and a smile, because you never know whose day you’ll turn around with a little compassion and understanding.
I prepared myself for the email response, debating on the direction I wanted to take. Did I want to apologize and then still bring it back to the pet policy issue? Did I want to stand my ground and just give a little, “I’m sorry that happened to you but…” I figured I’d just see where my writing took me.
I ended up doing neither.
I prepared myself for the email response, debating on the direction I wanted to take. Did I want to apologize and then still bring it back to the pet policy issue? Did I want to stand my ground and just give a little, “I’m sorry that happened to you but…” I figured I’d just see where my writing took me.
I ended up doing neither.
Alicia,
I sincerely apologize for my assumption that your original email was your own thoughts and perspective. I admit that I didn't even think twice that your management company may have policies and restrictions that you are bound to. The use of the word and implications behind your statement about "biters" made my blood boil, and I have silently deleted emails time and time again that have prejudices against my babies. The word "biters" created an image in my head that I felt was so unjust for my smooshy, lover boy at home that I needed to set something right, and at the very least, make this woman think twice about her dang pet policy. I have personally seen a family survive through an ordeal similar to yours and I admit that it must be an extremely hard journey to come back from. I pray that your road will be short and that you will find solace along your way. Alicia, I try to live by the thought that everyone is fighting their own battle in some way and to give people a smile instead of a dirty look for the rude comment or exasperation in their voice, and I lapsed for a moment in my thinking. Thank you for reminding me how important it is to stay true to those thoughts.
Good prayers coming your way,
Shana
My apology didn’t make me feel any better, so I’m certain it didn’t do much for the other end either. I had hurt this woman, forced her to remember a traumatic and life-altering experience that she was trying so hard to squash down in her heart. Looking back at my email, I realized that I accomplished my goal of sounding educated, but unknowingly came across as vindictive and cold-hearted, reopening her fresh wound. Always an advocate for the underdog, always, I just took a broken and hurting one and kicked her when she was down. And then stomped on her heart with the click of a mouse. The rawness of my words rattled around my head as I tried to wrap my mind around how this woman probably sat at her desk, across from her colleagues, trying desperately to swallow the hard lump in her throat, eyes brimming with hot tears, as she excuses herself from the computer and takes an early lunch to release the tears in privacy. When she woke up this morning, she no doubt told herself, Today will be a better day. Except it wasn't. Because of me.
Written words can slice through a person like a burning knife, but a written apology? Hardly meaningful. Maybe this woman had a pit bull, or a Rottweiler, or a German Shepherd that was killed in the fire. Maybe she had a foster dog and 2 cats of her own, just like me. I was so blinded by my own tenacity to stand up for my animals, that I forgot that we’re all in the same boat. Maybe she's fighting prejudice and BSL, just like me.
Written words can slice through a person like a burning knife, but a written apology? Hardly meaningful. Maybe this woman had a pit bull, or a Rottweiler, or a German Shepherd that was killed in the fire. Maybe she had a foster dog and 2 cats of her own, just like me. I was so blinded by my own tenacity to stand up for my animals, that I forgot that we’re all in the same boat. Maybe she's fighting prejudice and BSL, just like me.
Some people will jump ship when things get hard, some hunker down and weather the storm and some stand up and take charge. I’m the “take charge” type, but the one next to me weathering the storm is just as important in this battle. Just because she happens to be following a policy that she may or may not believe in, doesn't mean she is the proper spot to outlet my anger at the plight of pit bulls. Anger can blind a person from educating or sharing their opinion in a professional manner, and it happens frequently, especially with controversial issues, such as pit bulls. Raising pure hell and screaming obscenities never gets anyone anywhere, but either does politely-put cut-downs.
It’s been a while since I put my foot in my mouth, until today that is. It serves as a painful reminder that everyone is struggling, in one way or another.
Passion is a double-edged sword.
Use it wisely and you'll do great things.
Use it poorly and even the best qualities will be destroyed.
Use it wisely and you'll do great things.
Use it poorly and even the best qualities will be destroyed.
